Today, or actually yesterday was my sister's birthday. One of her favorite days of the year. She would go to the casino and there they would have this special birthday for their regulars...and she was a regular. Waiters would all come into the room at once carrying cakes with sparklers on them. She loved it. 

But unfortunately, very unfortunately she passed away 2 years ago of a weird flesh eating evil disease, that none of us had ever heard of...Necrotizing fasciitis. I'm sure you or anyone you know knew of this disease or couldn't believe it was just a plot from a horror movie. She went unwillingly into the hospital on another one of her favorite holidays...Christmas. What's so sad is that Shelley was a tutor and loved the kids that came to her for help. She performed miracles with some. At her funeral I got to meet many of the kids and the kids of their kids that had been to Shelley for help in math or anything. Their eyes you could see the pride of their accomplishments through the help she would provide. Some she didn't even charge for sessions, depending on their families situations. She just wanted them to succeed, and did she! 

I could never come to turns with God on how someone that was helping these kids to gain confidence and get into college could be taken away in such a painful, tragic way. There are so much evil in this world, a few I could name that are still being sloughs and being just a waste of space in this world. Maybe, probably not, I will come to terms with this one day.  

My other sister, Kim wrote this beautiful entry onto her FaceBook page. It is beautiful and so true....

On this day, in what seems to me a blink of an eye ago, a woman was born who did some pretty great things. She didn’t invent a device that changed the world, or bring to life a mystical far away land, or paint a work of art hung in a museum and revered by all. She did something a bit greater than all of that. She pushed children to excel when they didn't think it was possible. She inspired them to be excited to learn when boredom or worry had crept in. She helped kids get into colleges they wanted, when they weren't sure they had a chance. And perhaps, through all of that, she changed the lives of many. She was a tutor.

She cared. 

She was the person to call if you were ecstatic by some glorious life event, or if you were racked with doubt. She rejoiced with you, or shouldered your tears.

She loved her family, and she loved her husband. Dearly. And we all knew. 

She had a beautiful voice, a twinkle in her eye, and a wicked sense of humor.

So today I'd like to remember her a little differently than I do every other day. Every other day I simply have random conversations with her with that vague hope that she can somehow hear me. I've said the prayers. I've placed the flowers. 

No, today I want to post these words to celebrate her birth and her life. My sister Shelley. Dear dear sister, you are gone, but you will never be forgotten. 

This little light of hers? I want to make it shine again.

Today, on October 3, 1996, 16 years ago...(hard to believe) (don't want to believe) my mother, Gloria Stock Kerker passed away. I remember that night explicitly, where I was, who I was with, what I ate that night, when I talked to my sister telling me that Mom had died as if it were yesterday and sitting on the edge of my bed crying and not wanting to believe what had happened. I knew Mom had emphysema. I just thought she was going to get better and she wasn't going to die. I had just talked to her the Saturday before this. She called me, I always called her, I didn't want her to have to pay for the long distance call. She sounded clear and she asked me about a calligraphy project I was working on at work. She sounded like everything was getting better. Little did I know.

I miss her so much and I miss Shelley! I really hope they are together in Heaven. Shelley used to get mad at me when I would bring this day up to her. She didn't want to have it be a day to remember! I understand that, but it was a major turn in my life. How I saw things, where I was going, what exactly is going on. I still can't answer any of these questions.

My Mother gave me 2 traits of her's ...Art and being nocturnal! I love her for both for these! She was always there for me. Even when I was studying for an Art History exam and staying up with me all night or helping me rebuild my portfolio the night before my interview with the college I was hoping to get into, after our cat had peed all over it! Lovely. But she was there, especially when I needed her.

She was a beautiful woman and a great mother! I miss her every day! And I hope she is with me.

I love you so very, very much Mom, I hope you are happy! <3

Happy Birthday, Shelley — Miss You

By: Dale Mussen  |  2 weeks ago

Shelley's Birthday 2011 (Photo by Dale Mussen)

Grief is the price we pay for love. It’s been a little over four months now, and people often ask me how I’m doing. The automatic response is, “I’m doing OK,” but that’s hardly the truth. It’s a lot easier to say that and smile than it is to describe how sad I am and how much I miss Shelley. So I grieve privately.
I just don’t understand how such a sweet, gentle and happy woman could be taken from us so early. Shelley was special. She meant so much to so many people.
As a tutor, she was more than a teacher. She was also a friend. She often worked with students who had given up – students who were convinced they’d never “get it.” Shelley had a certain magic to not only get those students to pass Regents exams but to gain confidence about themselves.
And for me? She was the light of my life, because she loved life. She brought me happiness because she found happiness in so many of the simple things that so many of us are just too busy to see.
So here we go – here comes another one of those firsts. They say the first birthday, anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas and other holidays and special occasions are always the toughest in the first year after someone passes away. That sure is the truth. I didn’t handle our wedding anniversary very well when it came up a little over a month ago.
The next one of those firsts is Shelley’s birthday. Along with Christmas, those two days were her favorite days of the year.
Someone suggested that instead of mourning her loss, I should celebrate her life. In the famous words of Dr. Seuss, “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”
It’s a tough thing to do when you hurt so much, but I’m going to give it a good try. So on this July 3rd to my angel in heaven, Happy Birthday Shelley, I love you.

...especially a blue butterfly.

to Shelley...

Oh I need to call Shelley....

That has happened so many times, especially lately, TV shows ending, want to discuss, TV shows starting, want to discuss, Life...want to discuss, going to dentist, want to discuss! I WANT TO CALL YOU, BUT I CAN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGGGGGGGGGGGG!!

I guess I never realized how much my relationship to my sister meant to me. I think I did, I know I did, it was very very special! But now that I can't pick up the phone and talk to her and it makes me feel so very, very alone! She was my best friend, my late, late, night telephone talker-to. Who do I talk to about "So You Think You Can Dance" or how the "Mentalist" ended, how great "Touch" is, how the "Amazing Race" ended or "Survivor" ended or about the new "Big Brother" is starting soon. Or even what does she want for her birthday that is coming up soon. And what do I do about that?

Shelley always would pump me up and tell me that she was so proud of how diligently my job search is going,  I really need that support, she was great for that. Especially when I was so on the verge of giving up and just succumbing to the down and depressing self deprecating feelings of being unemployed and no one wants to hire you...."Oh poor me".

So what do I do now? Who can I talk to about these things, things I totally enjoyed calling Shelley about and discussing with her. WHAT DO I DO? Anybody have a clue?...no, didn't think so.