Today, on October 3, 1996, 16 years ago...(hard to believe) (don't want to believe) my mother, Gloria Stock Kerker passed away. I remember that night explicitly, where I was, who I was with, what I ate that night, when I talked to my sister telling me that Mom had died as if it were yesterday and sitting on the edge of my bed crying and not wanting to believe what had happened. I knew Mom had emphysema. I just thought she was going to get better and she wasn't going to die. I had just talked to her the Saturday before this. She called me, I always called her, I didn't want her to have to pay for the long distance call. She sounded clear and she asked me about a calligraphy project I was working on at work. She sounded like everything was getting better. Little did I know.

I miss her so much and I miss Shelley! I really hope they are together in Heaven. Shelley used to get mad at me when I would bring this day up to her. She didn't want to have it be a day to remember! I understand that, but it was a major turn in my life. How I saw things, where I was going, what exactly is going on. I still can't answer any of these questions.

My Mother gave me 2 traits of her's ...Art and being nocturnal! I love her for both for these! She was always there for me. Even when I was studying for an Art History exam and staying up with me all night or helping me rebuild my portfolio the night before my interview with the college I was hoping to get into, after our cat had peed all over it! Lovely. But she was there, especially when I needed her.

She was a beautiful woman and a great mother! I miss her every day! And I hope she is with me.

I love you so very, very much Mom, I hope you are happy! <3

Happy Birthday, Shelley — Miss You

By: Dale Mussen  |  2 weeks ago

Shelley's Birthday 2011 (Photo by Dale Mussen)

Grief is the price we pay for love. It’s been a little over four months now, and people often ask me how I’m doing. The automatic response is, “I’m doing OK,” but that’s hardly the truth. It’s a lot easier to say that and smile than it is to describe how sad I am and how much I miss Shelley. So I grieve privately.
I just don’t understand how such a sweet, gentle and happy woman could be taken from us so early. Shelley was special. She meant so much to so many people.
As a tutor, she was more than a teacher. She was also a friend. She often worked with students who had given up – students who were convinced they’d never “get it.” Shelley had a certain magic to not only get those students to pass Regents exams but to gain confidence about themselves.
And for me? She was the light of my life, because she loved life. She brought me happiness because she found happiness in so many of the simple things that so many of us are just too busy to see.
So here we go – here comes another one of those firsts. They say the first birthday, anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas and other holidays and special occasions are always the toughest in the first year after someone passes away. That sure is the truth. I didn’t handle our wedding anniversary very well when it came up a little over a month ago.
The next one of those firsts is Shelley’s birthday. Along with Christmas, those two days were her favorite days of the year.
Someone suggested that instead of mourning her loss, I should celebrate her life. In the famous words of Dr. Seuss, “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”
It’s a tough thing to do when you hurt so much, but I’m going to give it a good try. So on this July 3rd to my angel in heaven, Happy Birthday Shelley, I love you.

...especially a blue butterfly.

to Shelley...

Oh I need to call Shelley....

That has happened so many times, especially lately, TV shows ending, want to discuss, TV shows starting, want to discuss, Life...want to discuss, going to dentist, want to discuss! I WANT TO CALL YOU, BUT I CAN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGGGGGGGGGGGG!!

I guess I never realized how much my relationship to my sister meant to me. I think I did, I know I did, it was very very special! But now that I can't pick up the phone and talk to her and it makes me feel so very, very alone! She was my best friend, my late, late, night telephone talker-to. Who do I talk to about "So You Think You Can Dance" or how the "Mentalist" ended, how great "Touch" is, how the "Amazing Race" ended or "Survivor" ended or about the new "Big Brother" is starting soon. Or even what does she want for her birthday that is coming up soon. And what do I do about that?

Shelley always would pump me up and tell me that she was so proud of how diligently my job search is going,  I really need that support, she was great for that. Especially when I was so on the verge of giving up and just succumbing to the down and depressing self deprecating feelings of being unemployed and no one wants to hire you...."Oh poor me".

So what do I do now? Who can I talk to about these things, things I totally enjoyed calling Shelley about and discussing with her. WHAT DO I DO? Anybody have a clue?...no, didn't think so.

blue butterflies

This blog is dedicated to my sister Shelley, she passed away on February 17, 2012. She loved butterflies, she loved life. I always told her she reminded me of Glenda, the Good Witch in the Wizard of Oz. She had a great life, and I always believed she lived in a bubble, or maybe floated around in a bubble. I thought her life was close to perfect. She had a great husband, whom didn't abuse her, she worked for herself, so she didn't have to deal with the politics of a corporate job and tutored and guided many, many children.

One year we visited the Butterfly Conservatory in Niagara Falls, Ontario. She was in her perfect world. A blue butterfly came and landed on her shoulder...she got so excited, wanting me to take a picture. One, that I unfortunately can't find to this day. She said this is what heaven must be like. I really hope your heaven is filled with blue butterflies all around you!